First impressions
My counsellor recommended Bridewell to me after I had tried another recovery project which I didn’t get on with. On my first visit I was like a startled rabbit, shaky and stammering but my initial impression was of how quiet and peaceful it was.
On my first day I didn’t bring my lunch as I didn’t like eating in front of other people. One of the Bridewell team, whom I met on my first visit, welcomed me and arranged for me to do something on my own. For months I was too scared to do anything – too scared even to get on the minibus. I didn’t go to any of the gatherings.
There were lots of things I wanted to do in the garden, but I didn’t like to ask. The first thing was to cut the knot garden!
Bridewell gave me time and peace. Here everything grows and I grew. I’m a tortoise – very slow. I started in the spring and then broke my ankle in the summer and was off my feet for months so couldn’t attend.
“Bridewell really helped me to try things, to say this is what I want to do”
Trying new things
I’ve always felt on the outside, that I didn’t fit in, but Bridewell really helped me to try things, to say this is what I want to do. Here you aren’t criticised – you can’t do anything wrong. I’m a perfectionist and this was a big problem when I had my break-down but no one here expected me to be perfect. They could tell what state of mind I was in, if I needed to be on my own.
Then Covid hit and I was at home for 6 months. It was hard coming back but not as bad as when I first started. I was on my own a lot as my wife was working. I was a temporary boarder for Dogs for Good, giving them a home and following their training guidelines for dogs in training for 16 weeks or until they were paired with a client, but my last dog had completed training and gone on to their job in helping a disabled client so for once there was no dog in the house.
Coming back, I was part of the Tuesday group and there were lots of new faces which was hard for me. I’m a private person but I’ve learned to speak up and ask for help. I finally came to a gathering – a barbecue – but I didn’t eat. Then I decided to go on an outing to the Cotswold Wildlife Park. I made my own way there but then I surprised them with my playful side, going down the slide, playing on the train etc.
"It took me a long time, about a year, before I could say anything to my key worker"
Changes since Bridewell
Nowadays I’m doing things. I got my Dog Walking Diploma, encouraged by Bridewell, my wife and my counsellor. I am still having counselling and have been for 8 years, but it took me 3 years before I said anything much.
Before I had many jobs, some of them quite big, but now I’ve given up that kind of work. I was helping another gardener and did some local peoples’ gardens outside Bridewell but have some health issues which have reduced my fitness and ability to do heavy work (arthritis), and am waiting for an operation (knee replacement).
Before Bridewell I couldn’t cope with praise or compliments or being in the limelight. I didn’t know who I was. I met my wife in 1988 but she didn’t know me because I wouldn’t let her.
Being gay was a big secret which meant I was living a lie. The gay issue cropped up at Bridewell – I was offended by several remarks from another gardener. With support from one of the Bridewell team a meeting was set up with the other gardener and their key worker, my keyworker and me. It was very emotional but very constructive and the issues were addressed. It represented a big step forward for me to deal with this issue openly after a lifetime of secrecy.
It took me a long time, about a year, before I could say anything to my key worker.
"At Bridewell I had many opportunities to try things and gain confidence"
Confidence building
At Bridewell I had many opportunities to try things and gain confidence e.g. making bread, cakes, willow-weaving, woodwork etc. I avoided the forge at first, but the Bridewell team were well aware and somehow I ended up doing something in the forge! My favourite job was potting on, which stopped the chaos in my head and felt like I was nurturing something.
I was due to leave in the winter of 2022 but was struggling with some health issues so they kindly let me stay on a couple of months. When I first left I tried to make a point of doing something on a Tuesday and my wife and I did some major reconstruction work in our garden. I had done the gardening course at Bridewell and we both started growing loads of stuff – we had so much extra we gave it away!
Bridewell Revisited is an opportunity for those who have left Bridewell to meet up there and keep in touch. I've been to the first 3 but then missed some because of holidays but will be going back to it.
I’ve learned not to suffer in silence but to speak out. I’ve still got a long way to go but I’ve found out how far I’ve come and I’m glad I am where I am.
